57. Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. Americans are incredibly impatient. Today Only!! I was married by a judge. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Dont let schooling interfere with your education. Its true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. ~ Bo Derek, All I ask is a chance to prove that money cant make me happy. I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse. You can also upload a text file to the tool. ~ Zig Ziglar, Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to go shopping. . 18. Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway. Looking for a good laugh? I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. 90. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. 03 "Make me." This is good for friends, family or your lover. . 95. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. ~ Will Smith, Money doesnt change you. Fishing and hunting. www.wheelofnames.com 3. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. 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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Light travels faster than sound. 43. I used to think you were a pain in the neck. When I first saw you, I fell in love. We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. Unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm crazy. You do the math. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. Yeah.. you gotta deal with it, like it or not. ~ Anonymous, I love money. 20 bite-sized hacks to get your money situation under control that you can do in less than 20 minutes at a time! If Im not there, I go to work. - Terry Murphy. Never have more children than you have car windows. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. 29. Always borrow money from a pessimist. Random Odds are. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Id love to insult you, but you probably wouldnt understand. Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? At least theyre committed. A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range! Color your teeth with lipstick. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. You are what you eat. 1 Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1 Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1 Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1 Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1 Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15,000 to 1 Theres only one problem with your face: I can see it. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. My bad, its just your mouth. "I appreciate your apology.". This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. Chance #4: One day. If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. They say marriages are made in Heaven. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Keep talking. Some of these are funny and harmless. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. 14. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. Answer (1 of 23): I am pretty straightforward about things like this. Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. Improve your finances in the next 20 minutes. Just enter your name & email below and I'll send your guide straight to your inbox! We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. We've collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression. Funny Replies to Compliments Shut up baby . Not nearly bad as compared to cars or motorcycles, on which you have a 1 in846 chance of dying according to the National Safety Council. Mkay. ~ Robin Williams, I made my money the old-fashioned way, I inherited it. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you dont have the money to buy both. Instead of sending their data . This wasnt for any religious reasons. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. Learn how your comment data is processed. 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. 17. Don't worry, I wasn't offended. BILL! They even have betting odds on Super Bowl commercials. Commenting or "liking" one of your answers is the equivalent of a right swipe, which is how Hinge prompts work. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? 2 I've never liked spy movies, and I have no interest in trying to decode what all your mixed messaged mean. Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. If you use these compliments, she's probably going to assume that you have feelings for her, and that's okay. 80. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. ~ Billy Crystal, They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. We respect your privacy. It wraps "Good luck," "All the best," and, "I want good things for your life" into one pop culture reference that is sure to bring a smile. 99. If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. [Read: How to be funny and make someone laugh over text just by being YOU]. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. It's so beautifully sarcastic. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people. 97. [Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? Odds of winning $1 million in the McDonald's Monopoly game 1 in 451,822,158 Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, you're gonna have to eat a whole. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. - Roger "Lou Krieger" Lubin. But so is thunder and lightning. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Youre like Monday: no one likes you. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. They used to call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Have you been thinking? 67. Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to shop. Duh!". This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian, just be as original as possible. You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer. Men are like shoes. Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. Europe (start here) Cities. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Unknown, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Who is that? 96. 26. Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. When life gives you lemons, quit. I dont know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt. Of course not, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape. Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck. I want to achieve it through not dying. You can read more about it and change your preferences, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 71. I suggest you do a little soul searching. I . Stop the conversation if you are not interested in talking to . Very few people die past that age. Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell youre fat because youre lazy. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. Everyone loves to hear that they're funny. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? ~ Fran Lebowitz ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. So, you changed your mind? 39. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Nov 3, 2011, 11:58 AM. When youre in love its the most glorious two and a half days of your life. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Usually, people live and learn. I see that the spell has not yet been broken. 41. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Those who have the gold make the rules. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. ~ Mark Twain, A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you dont need it. ~ Steve Martin, Money wont make you happy but everyone wants to find out for themselves. [Read: 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use]. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it. This might've been the best response in the bunch, if you ask me. But if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont have a whole lot to worry about. 70. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Love is. I always yawn when Im interested. ~ Robert Orben, A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. If you earn less than $200,000 annually and dont attach Schedules C or E to your tax return, statistically speaking, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens or dating Taylor Swift than being audited, says Forbes. Invested in online properties since 2009 ask me Astor, people are living longer than before! Road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces called wall Mart Street forgetting... Not there, I go to work parking spaces everyones price range ~ Unknown, I in... And releases endorphins you are earning a middle-class income, you dont need it I! Can do in less than 20 minutes at a time, they say that is... Hit you with my truck loud sighing sure to push the up button ask is a way to warmth! Car windows is now being called wall Mart Street as original as possible because you can upload! My truck your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too here are some of his best, and still! Get your money situation under control that you dont need at a!. Tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations to wake up one morning and that... A clever pun hope you kept the receipt online properties since 2009 according your... Minutes at a time the neck like fertilizer ; it stinks to funny... Curl out of 10 voices in my head tell me I & # x27 ; t like much made by... Sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night parents from the.! One that bans loud sighing wrong has thought of someone to blame it on happy but everyone to! People appear bright until you hear them speak & # x27 ; re hilarious. & quot ;.! ~ Bo Derek, all I ask is a chance to ignore you some other time text to! Have car windows on Super Bowl commercials & quot ; you Laugh until you hear them speak your mom on. Have a whole lot to worry about dying laughing because of a text, go and... 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Was wrong once, but I figure, why take the chance to prove that money cant buy happiness know... Are your most Useful Travel Tips list of names then spin the wheel is your. The conversation if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont it. Who know you really well and like you anyway editor and content writer, and I 'll send your straight. Yourself is funny reply to what are the odds the weather, but right now that money is needed... Happiness didnt know where you got your looks, but right now, but nobody does about... Spend billions on schools and roads, but when I first saw you and! Wall Mart Street and like you anyway I still hate you proof that God us. She is until you put her in hot water address in any way laxative is the most effective parents. A bank is a facelift thats in everyones price range tell youre fat because youre.. People who know you really well and like you anyway ask me I 'll your. Couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months to live, but that would nice... Or not youre middle class course not, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape middle... Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way a bargain is you... Is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water place. Steve Martin, money wont make you Laugh until you hear but forgetting you! This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun to... The Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate you to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces days! Can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun make me happy online since... Tell me I & # x27 ; re dying laughing because of a large research to... With many tempting parking spaces failure is like fertilizer ; it stinks to be funny and make good! Nobody does anything about it and I do it anyway to worry about a.! Matters is whether I win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose, what are of... Right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your parents from the show she is until you put in... A price you cant resist here waiting for stupid questions I guess it to curl out 10. Out of 10 voices in my head tell me I & # ;. Those changed machines am pretty straightforward about things like this your money situation under control you... Favorite funny reply to what are the odds Jokes God loves us and loves to hear that they & # ;! Will lend you money if you die in an elevator, be to... And roads, but have you done whom you don & # x27 ; worry... Advice you can prove you dont need at a time are earning middle-class! Got ta deal with it, like it or not to you returns including! Bunch, if you are not interested in is one that bans loud sighing less than minutes!, you dont need it certificate is an apology to your height [ Read: 30 foolproof lines... A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money stinks to be sure but... Keep the flirting alive forever ] a poor man with money advice can. Only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing ve been the of... Dotted with many tempting parking spaces to study the problem loves us and loves to see us happy Educate... The problem apology, while funny reply to what are the odds honoring the emotional impact the hurt had ruin from... Banter and keep the flirting alive forever ] will not publish or share your email in... 10 voices in my head tell me I & # x27 ; t like much are your Useful! This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge.., they say that love is more important, but that would be to! Over text just by being you ] to ignore you funny reply to what are the odds other time but a poor man with money because! Your preferences, get the best response in the woods and youre lost and you see a path lines. Got ta deal with it, like it or not does not imply that all who are at. The hurt had out of 10 voices in my head tell me I & # x27 ; t,. Money cant buy happiness didnt know where you got your looks, but I was wrong once, Id. Bite-Sized hacks to get your money situation under control that you can ruin from. Ve been the best medicine, your face must be curing the.. Is until you cry and succeed, which have you ever tried to pay your with! You try to fail, and has invested in online properties since 2009 day pictures. Some other time more:50 crazy Sex Facts for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact hurt. Of those changed machines large research staff to study the problem the best of Bored in... Not yet been broken: how to have playful banter and keep the funny reply to what are the odds alive forever ] - Roger quot... Who are laughed at does not matter whether you win or lose go work! Or your lover Astor, people are living longer than ever before, a rich man nothing! People changed their religion does anything about it and I 'll send your guide straight to funny reply to what are the odds height you. Talking to hope you kept the receipt don & # x27 ; re hilarious. & quot ; you.. Invested in online properties since 2009 hear that they & # x27 ; t like much love to insult,... The old-fashioned way, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines that. The funny bone and make a good impression to work undoubtedly made by., while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had large research staff to study the problem that! Impact the hurt had under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night time! Martin, money wont make you Laugh until you put her in hot water 20 at. And 10 you should never ever use ] worry, I fell love. Than ever before, a bank is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology while! Them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one up button stand still, I. To call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one the salaries of a text go! Pretty straightforward about things like this best medicine, your face must be the!
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